You need more than a hammer

Several years ago I read a book called In Harm's Way by Doug Stanton. It's the story of the USS Indianapolis and is a fascinating and horrifying read. One of the stories is about two survivors, McCoy and Brundige, who, along with several others, floated in a damaged life boat for over four days waiting to be rescued. As the hours went by, they watched the sharks attack others and they watched their friends die. They didn't have any food or water and the sun, during the day, was blistering their skin. At night, the temperature dipped and their core body temperatures fell dangerously low. As the hours turned into days, other boys would give up, take off their life jackets and dive into the water, knowing that the sharks would come for them and end their pain. When the third day rolled around and they were both severely dehydrated and burned, they started betting each other who would die first. They each swore that it would be the other one because they each claimed that they were the toughest and strongest. From that point on, giving up wasn't an option. They had something to prove, something to live for. Mercifully, they were rescued on the fourth day.

This story is a powerful reminder that in communication, in relationships, in leadership, there is never just one way to do anything all the time. Whereas early on in the disaster, McCoy would seek to reassure the other boys that help was on the way, there came a point where reassurance and comfort wasn't going to work anymore. That was the time to challenge their pride or their toughness. Too often we rely on what we know best or what feels best and we fail to recognize that we need to use a different tool.

This is when our empathy makes a massive difference. We need to able to understand what the other person is going through and what they need to hear at the time, instead of simply saying what we need to say. Sometimes that might be support, sometimes it might be comfort and sometimes it might be a challenge. The key is that we have to pay attention. We don't get to operate on autopilot. I know we've probably all heard this quote by Abraham Maslow, but it is extremely wise and bears repeating:"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you will see every problem as a nail."