It's your life, not a movie!

We have probably all been horrified by the U-Tube video of the cheerleader beating. I saw an interview with an expert who said that this is a problem that psychologists are seeing more and more. People are disconnected with reality. It's not that they are mentally ill; it's just that they see themselves as actors in some movie, not as real people in their own lives. This ties back to one of the key principles of Emotional Intelligence (EQ): consequential thinking. Consequential thinking is the critical ability to understand what you are feeling and what actions you are about to take and then analyze the likely results and outcomes you will get from those actions. In general, you can see this lack of consequential thinking in many areas of our society: the CEO who steals or misdirects the use of funds; the out-of-control driver who endangers the lives of others; hockey parents who get into fights in the stands; students who plot to kill their teachers. These, of course, are easy to spot. What about the less obvious? What about the person walking down the street, listening to their I-Pod (or texting on their phone), who walks out into an intersection without first looking both ways? What about the driver who is talking on their cellphone, changing the DVD for their kid, and fiddling with the GPS device? And even more basic, what about the person who, time and time and time again, just can't help themselves when they get frustrated or when they get angry and yet is surprised to find that people don't like working with them? Our actions have consequences -- and very real ones at that. This isn't some movie that we get to stumble through and then rewind and return if we don't like it. What are some examples of the absence of consequential thinking that you've seen in your life/business? What about some examples of the presence of consequential thinking that are admirable and inspiring?

Running amok

I read an article in Fortune (March 31, 2008) regarding Eliot Spitzer. The author talked about Spitzer's complete lack of self-restraint, his temper, and his "schoolyard behavior." As I read the article, I couldn't help but think that here is a guy that clearly had the IQ to be successful, but what he lacked -- and what contributed to his demise -- was Emotional Intelligence (EQ). He had no idea how to, in the author's words, "behave like a grownup." If all the research on EQ hasn't convinced us how important it is to a person's success, Spitzer provides a terrific and convincing anecdotal case. Self-awareness and self-management are two of the cornerstones to EQ. In other words, "What am I feeling?" and "What should I do about it?" While both are important and you can't have self-management without self-awareness, think about that second question for a minute: What should I do about it? There is an implicit statement in that question: we have the power to choose how to respond. While this takes discipline and commitment, it is possible. When I read Team of Rivals about the cabinet that Abraham Lincoln assembled, I was completely inspired and humbled by the greatness Lincoln displayed by his choices in responding to those around him. When those closest to him wanted him to lash out at his detractors, Lincoln displayed wisdom, savvy, and utter greatness.

Cheering for others

I am a volunteer coach in a wonderful program for young girls called Girls on the Run. It teaches girls about running, healthy diet and lifestyle, self-esteem and leadership. I have noticed something interesting with the girls. There are about three girls who run significantly faster and farther than the other girls. They are very diligent and serious about their running. Near the end of the session, we always ask the girls who have completed their run, to stand near the finish line and cheer in the other girls. For the three girls who are always the fastest, this is when they become the most animated! They come alive cheering for the other girls. Out of the entire session, this is when they appear to be most engaged. And, for the girls who are struggling to finish, just having others cheer for them inspires them! They run a little faster, they hold their heads up a little higher, and they have big smiles on their faces as they cross the finish line. Of course, as soon as they cross that finish line, what do you think they start to do? That's right -- they start cheering for the girls who have yet to finish! It is my favorite part of the program. It makes me wonder how this very basic human connection -- cheering for others -- might be used in our families and workplaces? Is there a place for it? How could it work?

Letting Go

I was out for a walk yesterday, pondering a difficult situation. I thought to myself how it seemed so difficult to come up with the answer. After taking a few more steps, it occurred to me that finding the answer wasn't difficult: the answer was right in front of me. What was difficult was acting on and executing the solution. How many times do we keep looking for "the" solution simply because we know the solution is painful?