It's funny what we regret . . .

“You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.”
Barbara De Angelis

Back in December of 2007, I drove through a horrible snowstorm to my parent's house in Missouri. It is normally a 10 hour trip; this time it took closer to 14 hours. I was determined to get there as my mother was very ill and she had an appointment with both her oncologist and another specialist that I was going to take her to. This was only the second time in over 6 years that I had seen her. She had cut me out of her life and had only accepted contact with me once she became critically ill.

When I arrived, it was clear that her condition had worsened. I took her to her oncologist the next day. They ran some tests and the nurse told me that they suspected that she was experiencing full blown Leukemia. They didn't want to tell my mom until she saw the other specialist. After lunch, I took mom to the specialist. We were a bit early and we were sitting in the waiting room with the other patients. My mom's hearing was also failing her, so in order to hear better, she had begun the habit of shouting. As we were sitting there, she turned to me and shouted, "So, now what is it that you do? I've asked your sisters and no one can really tell me and I would like to know."

There was so much that I could have told her. I could tell that she was trying to re-connect with me, but I just couldn't quite do it. I wasn't able to reach past the pain. I gave some answer that satisfied her, but it was incomplete. She died a few months later with me at her bedside. We made our peace. What I find ironic is that now I have no regrets about any of the times that I have put myself out there and have been rejected or hurt. This is the experience that I regret: not reaching out and opening my heart. I can even understand why it was difficult for me. This regret has shown me, however, what is important to me and how I want to be.

So, it occurs to me that perhaps this might be a space to answer her question a bit more fully. If I were back in that moment, maybe this time I would say:

Mom, my personal vision is that by the year 2020 I will have helped 1 million people improve their lives. This may take a lot of different shapes: teaching, coaching, facilitating, consulting. However, what’s important to me is to show up in their lives and help them in some way which enables them to improve their own condition. This might be helping them believe in themselves or in their potential; it might be helping them have a little more confidence in themselves; it might be simply be representing hope in the darkness of uncertainty.

I believe that there is a critical juncture in every person’s life where we must choose between our fear and our possibilities for the future. At that juncture, hope, faith and belief must be present to combat the fear, the darkness and the uncertainty. Hope, faith and belief is often in the form of knowing that someone else has felt what you’ve felt, feared what you’ve feared, and faced them down and succeeded. As a child, Mom, I watched you face these intersections alone. I did my best to help, but it wasn't enough. I have dedicated my life to making a difference for others to help them in those intersections so that maybe they can find the happiness and peace that often alluded you. It was what I most wanted for you.

Combating Worry

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy;
they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

-- Marcel Proust

Last week, I was listening to the local news station. They have a short segment called "To Your Health." This segment was about how to deal with worry. Essentially, the author of the segment said to have fixed times during the week when you worry and to write down everything that you are worried about and the worst that can happen for each thing.

I can see how this might make sense, but I think it comes up far short. First, I once heard Brandon Burchard (author of The Student Leadership Guide) speak and he said something that I found interesting. He said that too many times people ask themselves the wrong "what if" questions. They ask themselves, "What if I apply for a new job and don't get it?" instead of asking "What if I apply for a new job and I do get it?" So, maybe in conjunction with asking "what is the worst that could happen?" a person might also ask, "What's the best that could happen?" Perhaps, even more importantly, would be to ask, "What would I like to happen and what is one thing that I could do to contribute to that result?" Worry takes hold and becomes destructive and depressing when we believe that we have no control over our own condition.

Second, what the research and science has shown is that one of the very best ways to combat worry and depression is to keep a gratitude journal, or write letters of gratitude, or simply have a few minutes a day where you reflect on what it is you have that you feel gratitude for. If you want to feel great, here is a simple exercise (taken from Becoming a Resonant Leader by Boyatzis and McKee):

Think of the people who have helped you in your life or career; the people about whom you would say, “Without this person, I could not have accomplished or achieved as much as I have. Without this person, I would not be the person I am today.” Make a list of these folks. Write about what they did to help you and how it affected you and your life. This can go as far back as you can remember. If you really want to feel good, write them a letter expressing your thanks for what they have done for you. The science shows that even if you don't send the letter, your own emotional state will be elevated. Of course, if you want to make someone else's day, send the letter!

Allowing ourselves to hit the wrong notes

Today I was preparing for an upcoming webinar where I am helping managers turn the latent potential of their teams into higher levels of performance. In doing some research for my presentation, I came across something I wrote for grad school. I wrote that leaders must create an environment where it is safe to try out new behaviors. If there is no safety, there is no development. People will make mistakes as they are learning and growing. Therefore, a leader must provide safe spaces in which to fail – and then learn. This is essential in helping others reach a place of mastery. If people do not feel safe they will not take the risk of trying something new or something outside their comfort zones. In the Knowing-Doing Gap by Pfeffer and Sutton, they give the example of Benjamin Zander, the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic. “Zander notes that it is only when the performer lifts his or her sights from simply not playing a wrong note to something more that beautiful music can occur. And it is only by risking hitting the wrong notes that learning results."

How, then, can we create a safe space for others -- and ourselves -- to hit the wrong notes once in awhile so that new learning can emerge? The following are a few ideas from the Knowing-Doing Gap:

• Treat failure to act as the only true failure; punish inaction, not unsuccessful actions.
  
• Encourage leaders to talk about their failures, especially what they have learned from them.
  
• Give people second chances.
  
• Banish people -- especially leaders -- who humiliate others.
  

In addition to these, I have a few additional ones:

• Create an environment where mistakes and missteps are discussed as a means of learning. With clients, I often set up weekly team meetings where the team can discuss their experience with trying out new behaviors. These are great learning events for the entire team.
  
• Help people extract the lesson from the mistake. This requires a little time to reflect. Too many people rush by the mistake and never learn from it. When this happens, we are doomed to keep repeating the mistake.
  
• Be a model for others. When the inevitable mistake occurs, acknowledge it, take ownership of it, fix it, and then model the process of reflecting on what you've learned. (Don't we all dislike the leader who makes a mistake and blames others?)

I particularly like the phrase in the above quote that "it is only when the performer lifts his or her sights from simply not playing a wrong note to something more that beautiful music can occur." Have you ever encountered anyone who excelled or created something innovative by merely not hitting the wrong notes?