Focus on what's next . . .

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
Winston Churchill

On Saturday, I went to watch my nephew, Dylan, compete in a gymnastics tournament. He's only been competing for 13 months now, but he's been doing very well. On Saturday, his first event was the parallel bars. He did well, but made a slight mistake, so he didn't get his usual high score. His second event was the high bar. He's been doing great on the high bar and has been scoring about 15. He was aiming for a 15.4 on the high bar on Saturday. We watched the routine and it looked great! Then came his score: a 12. Even across the gymnasium we could see how disappointed he was. (As it turned out, the judge didn't score anyone very high and Dylan still ended up in 3rd!) Dylan's next event was the floor exercise. He has always done well on floor. My sister, Kathy, and I were worried: how would he recover from the disappointment of the high bar? Would he bounce back? He is, after all, only fourteen!

Dylan's turn came and he began his routine: it was controlled, graceful, athletic and wonderful! He scored a 14.8 and placed 2nd. He ended up having a great tournament and placed 3rd all-around. After it was over, I told him that I was so proud of how he came back from his disappointment. I asked him how he did it and he said, "I just reminded myself that the high bar was just one event and that it was over. I just needed to focus on the floor routine and what I could do there. I couldn't do anything different about the high bar now."

How many times though do we hold on to the last event so much that it affects how we perform next? Years ago, when I was on a league bowling team, I started the match off with . . . a gutter ball. I wanted to run away. Then some old-timer called out to me: "You know, it's better to get those out of the way early! Besides, it's only one ball and it has absolutely no effect on the next one you throw." I got a spare!

Helping Others to Accept Your Wisdom

"I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught."
~Winston Churchill

Several months ago, I witnessed an interaction between two people that exemplifies this statement. Since then I have paid close attention to interactions where one person is attempting to impart some information to the other party. I have come to the conclusion that most of us don't like being taught when the "teacher" is displaying either arrogance or acting condescendingly. No one likes having a finger wagged in her face.

I think that if we want someone to consider (let alone accept) our advice, our suggestion, or even our point-of-view, we need to be aware of how we are showing up in that interaction. It is okay to own our expertise and experience; however, there must be space in that interaction for the other person to still feel okay about themselves. If they don't, they close themselves off to us and our ideas -- no matter how valuable or on target our ideas may be.

It's funny what we regret . . .

“You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.”
Barbara De Angelis

Back in December of 2007, I drove through a horrible snowstorm to my parent's house in Missouri. It is normally a 10 hour trip; this time it took closer to 14 hours. I was determined to get there as my mother was very ill and she had an appointment with both her oncologist and another specialist that I was going to take her to. This was only the second time in over 6 years that I had seen her. She had cut me out of her life and had only accepted contact with me once she became critically ill.

When I arrived, it was clear that her condition had worsened. I took her to her oncologist the next day. They ran some tests and the nurse told me that they suspected that she was experiencing full blown Leukemia. They didn't want to tell my mom until she saw the other specialist. After lunch, I took mom to the specialist. We were a bit early and we were sitting in the waiting room with the other patients. My mom's hearing was also failing her, so in order to hear better, she had begun the habit of shouting. As we were sitting there, she turned to me and shouted, "So, now what is it that you do? I've asked your sisters and no one can really tell me and I would like to know."

There was so much that I could have told her. I could tell that she was trying to re-connect with me, but I just couldn't quite do it. I wasn't able to reach past the pain. I gave some answer that satisfied her, but it was incomplete. She died a few months later with me at her bedside. We made our peace. What I find ironic is that now I have no regrets about any of the times that I have put myself out there and have been rejected or hurt. This is the experience that I regret: not reaching out and opening my heart. I can even understand why it was difficult for me. This regret has shown me, however, what is important to me and how I want to be.

So, it occurs to me that perhaps this might be a space to answer her question a bit more fully. If I were back in that moment, maybe this time I would say:

Mom, my personal vision is that by the year 2020 I will have helped 1 million people improve their lives. This may take a lot of different shapes: teaching, coaching, facilitating, consulting. However, what’s important to me is to show up in their lives and help them in some way which enables them to improve their own condition. This might be helping them believe in themselves or in their potential; it might be helping them have a little more confidence in themselves; it might be simply be representing hope in the darkness of uncertainty.

I believe that there is a critical juncture in every person’s life where we must choose between our fear and our possibilities for the future. At that juncture, hope, faith and belief must be present to combat the fear, the darkness and the uncertainty. Hope, faith and belief is often in the form of knowing that someone else has felt what you’ve felt, feared what you’ve feared, and faced them down and succeeded. As a child, Mom, I watched you face these intersections alone. I did my best to help, but it wasn't enough. I have dedicated my life to making a difference for others to help them in those intersections so that maybe they can find the happiness and peace that often alluded you. It was what I most wanted for you.

Combating Worry

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy;
they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

-- Marcel Proust

Last week, I was listening to the local news station. They have a short segment called "To Your Health." This segment was about how to deal with worry. Essentially, the author of the segment said to have fixed times during the week when you worry and to write down everything that you are worried about and the worst that can happen for each thing.

I can see how this might make sense, but I think it comes up far short. First, I once heard Brandon Burchard (author of The Student Leadership Guide) speak and he said something that I found interesting. He said that too many times people ask themselves the wrong "what if" questions. They ask themselves, "What if I apply for a new job and don't get it?" instead of asking "What if I apply for a new job and I do get it?" So, maybe in conjunction with asking "what is the worst that could happen?" a person might also ask, "What's the best that could happen?" Perhaps, even more importantly, would be to ask, "What would I like to happen and what is one thing that I could do to contribute to that result?" Worry takes hold and becomes destructive and depressing when we believe that we have no control over our own condition.

Second, what the research and science has shown is that one of the very best ways to combat worry and depression is to keep a gratitude journal, or write letters of gratitude, or simply have a few minutes a day where you reflect on what it is you have that you feel gratitude for. If you want to feel great, here is a simple exercise (taken from Becoming a Resonant Leader by Boyatzis and McKee):

Think of the people who have helped you in your life or career; the people about whom you would say, “Without this person, I could not have accomplished or achieved as much as I have. Without this person, I would not be the person I am today.” Make a list of these folks. Write about what they did to help you and how it affected you and your life. This can go as far back as you can remember. If you really want to feel good, write them a letter expressing your thanks for what they have done for you. The science shows that even if you don't send the letter, your own emotional state will be elevated. Of course, if you want to make someone else's day, send the letter!

Allowing ourselves to hit the wrong notes

Today I was preparing for an upcoming webinar where I am helping managers turn the latent potential of their teams into higher levels of performance. In doing some research for my presentation, I came across something I wrote for grad school. I wrote that leaders must create an environment where it is safe to try out new behaviors. If there is no safety, there is no development. People will make mistakes as they are learning and growing. Therefore, a leader must provide safe spaces in which to fail – and then learn. This is essential in helping others reach a place of mastery. If people do not feel safe they will not take the risk of trying something new or something outside their comfort zones. In the Knowing-Doing Gap by Pfeffer and Sutton, they give the example of Benjamin Zander, the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic. “Zander notes that it is only when the performer lifts his or her sights from simply not playing a wrong note to something more that beautiful music can occur. And it is only by risking hitting the wrong notes that learning results."

How, then, can we create a safe space for others -- and ourselves -- to hit the wrong notes once in awhile so that new learning can emerge? The following are a few ideas from the Knowing-Doing Gap:

• Treat failure to act as the only true failure; punish inaction, not unsuccessful actions.
  
• Encourage leaders to talk about their failures, especially what they have learned from them.
  
• Give people second chances.
  
• Banish people -- especially leaders -- who humiliate others.
  

In addition to these, I have a few additional ones:

• Create an environment where mistakes and missteps are discussed as a means of learning. With clients, I often set up weekly team meetings where the team can discuss their experience with trying out new behaviors. These are great learning events for the entire team.
  
• Help people extract the lesson from the mistake. This requires a little time to reflect. Too many people rush by the mistake and never learn from it. When this happens, we are doomed to keep repeating the mistake.
  
• Be a model for others. When the inevitable mistake occurs, acknowledge it, take ownership of it, fix it, and then model the process of reflecting on what you've learned. (Don't we all dislike the leader who makes a mistake and blames others?)

I particularly like the phrase in the above quote that "it is only when the performer lifts his or her sights from simply not playing a wrong note to something more that beautiful music can occur." Have you ever encountered anyone who excelled or created something innovative by merely not hitting the wrong notes?

Is being grateful a matter of how we frame the situation?

As you know, we have five cats. One of our cats, Scout, was diagnosed earlier in the year with a very aggressive form of lymphoma. We decided that, as long as she wasn't in pain or suffering, we would pursue treatment. She has gone through chemotherapy and came through with flying colors (other than that she lost her whiskers, which are now growing back). The cancer is in remission. In all likelihood, however, it will come back. For now, she is on several daily medications. It's not difficult, but it can take about 10-15 minutes every morning. There are these wonderful little things called "Pill Pockets" where you insert the pill; Scout gobbles them up as they are like treats. The only downside to this amazing invention is that they are so tasty that she wakes up every morning asking for her treats. I should mention that Scout has amazing vocal range. She can meow softly, but apparently she has an amazingly short fuse and low patience. She quickly goes from softly requesting to the equivalent of shouting at the top of her lungs.

Last week, I was frustrated with her for her shouting at me every morning. After all, once in awhile I'd like to get up, have a cup of coffee and read for awhile. I was really feeling frustrated and discouraged at the work, the noise, and the disruption. Then, for whatever reason, it occurred to me that most likely in the not too distant future there will come a morning where there will be silence. Scout won't be there to demand her treats. I can barely even type those words, they make me so sad. In that instant, giving Scout her treats was no longer something that I had to do; it was something that I get to do. It is a gift as she is still here with us. Changing that one word from "had" to "get" took me from being resentful to being grateful.

Think about all the times throughout the day when you say that you "have to" do something. For each of those things, ask yourself how would you feel if you no longer could do those things?

Is it really a chore that we have to call our parents or grandparents or friends? Is it really a chore that we have to take our client to lunch? Is it really a chore that we have to find time to attend our child's soccer game or play? Aren't the responsibilities that we have simply indicators of those things and people that we most value?

Well, that's all for now. Scout has been sleeping on my lap and she is showing signs of waking up. It's almost her lunch time and she will wake up and demand lunch with her full voice! What a delightful sound. How lucky I am.

6 Leadership Styles

There's so much debate about which leadership style is best. Back in 2000, Daniel Goleman published an article in the Harvard Business Review (March-April), based upon his research. The following is a summary of that article.

Coercive:
What it is: This style is associated with the “Do what I tell you, now!” Coercive leaders expect and demand immediate compliance.
When is it effective: This style can be effective in times of crisis.
What are the associated pitfalls: This is the least overall effective leadership style. It has very negative implications in terms of innovation, commitment to the team and organization, and motivation. For high performing employees, this style is especially difficult to accept.
How to use it effectively: In times of crisis or turnarounds, this style may be the best choice. Use it judiciously and sparingly.


Authoritative:
What it is: This style is associated with the “Here’s where we’re going. Come with me.” These leaders are inspiring and motivating and they catalyze people towards a common goal. This is the most positive overall style.
When is it effective: This style is almost always effective. However, it is especially valuable when change in vision or new direction is needed.
What are the associated pitfalls: This style doesn’t work well when the leader is working with peers who are more experienced.
How to use it effectively: It’s difficult to overuse this style! However, to avoid being heavy-handed, mix in other positive styles (coaching, affiliative and democratic).


Affiliative:
What it is: This style is associated with putting people first. They care about people and they demonstrate that caring in all they do. They build relationships. They give positive and timely feedback. They are masters at creating a sense of belonging.
When is it effective: This style is generally effective. However, it is especially valuable when the leader is trying to build harmony, improve morale and communication, or repairing broken trust.
What are the associated pitfalls: If used in isolation, this style can lead to poor performance if the leader only focuses on praise.
How to use it effectively: This style is most effective paired with the authoritative style.

Democratic:
What it is: This style is inclusive and builds consensus through participation. These leaders get buy-in from various parties.
When is it effective: This style is especially useful for creating responsibility and flexibility (leading to innovation) among team members. It gives people a say in their future which increases their commitment. This style is very valuable for idea generation.
What are the associated pitfalls: ENDLESS meetings where ideas are discussed over and over again and nothing happens. It also falls short when employees are not competent or are lacking requisite experience.
How to use it effectively: Use this style in conjunction with other styles to balance idea input and clear direction.

Pacesetting:
What it is: This leader exemplifies very high personal performance standards; looks for ways to constantly improve; pinpoints poor performers; and demands high performance.
When is it effective: This style works well if the team is very motivated, highly competent and requires little to no direction.
What are the associated pitfalls: This style destroys climate. Employees feel overwhelmed and morale suffers. This leader usually gives either little or unclear direction; often jumping in to “do things right.” Their hallmark is “If I have to tell you the way to do things, you’re not right for the job.” Employees give up on doing their best; they resort to guessing what the leader wants.
How to use it effectively: Use this style sparingly.

Coaching Style:
What it is: These leaders help employees identify their strengths and weaknesses and tie them to the employee’s personal and career aspirations. They get agreements from employees on performance standards and learning plans. They develop people.
When is it effective: It is effective in a number of situations, however, it is most useful when the employee is open to it and wants to improve or when the employee is motivated to learn and develop.
What are the associated pitfalls: If the employee is not open to change, it can be a waste of time. Caution: if a leader isn’t skilled at coaching and giving feedback in ways that motivate and fuel development, they can unintentionally create fear and uncertainty.
How to use it effectively: It’s hard to overuse this style; however, don’t rely on it alone. Often, people need the clear direction that comes from the authoritative style in conjunction with the coaching style.

The bottom-line according to Goleman, is, “Leaders who have mastered four or more – especially the authoritative, democratic, affiliative, and coaching styles – have the best climate and business performance.”