Losing your temper is self-indulgent.
-- Bobbi Kahler

My mother would always "lose" her temper as though she had no control over it whatsoever. To hear her talk about it, you'd think that someone came in and took over her body and mind and caused her to act like a madman. She never took any responsibility whatsoever for losing her temper. She never fully made the connection that losing your temper is a choice. Admittedly, sometimes it's a very difficult choice not to lose your temper, but it is always a choice. As soon as my mother was done "losing" her temper, she would put it on the other person to forgive her. She would say something like, "I can't help it if I lost my temper, and you will just have to deal with it." Wrong on both counts. We have all met people like this, and we all have to interact with them.

Part of the problem that I have observed when people act this way is that they are not thinking about the consequences beyond the immediate gratification of telling someone off. This is as self-indulgent as the person who is a hundred pounds overweight who "can't resist" that piece of chocolate. I hate to admit it, but there was a time when I had a very nasty temper. I thought that I had to explode, as though that were some divine right that had been given to me. As soon as I made the connection that it was a choice, and therefore, something I had control over, I began to re-frame the way I looked at things. I trained myself to think beyond the immediate and instead consider all the ramifications (it's so easy to ignore the ramifications that we don't want to deal with!).

If you find yourself with that irresistible urge to let go of your temper, take a step back and consider the following three questions:

1. What are the intended consequences of my actions? (i.e., "I will feel better by telling someone off.")
2. What are the unintended consequences of my actions? (i.e., "I still have to work with this person," "I might seriously damage this relationship," or "This might affect other people besides just me.")
3. Most importantly, if this is something that is important enough to talk about, then how can I raise the issue with my eye towards resolution and progress and not demolition and regression?

To Your Success,

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