My nephew Dylan, 13, came up on Saturday and spent the day with us. We had a great time talking and we took him to see the Blue Man Group, which he loved. He is very, very bright. He was telling us about how their literature teacher last year had an "Apprentice" competition, where every week they had different challenges. All the students were very engaged. He usually won the weekly competitions. Then, one week, he ended up being voted off. I asked him what had happened. He replied, "You know, I didn't put enough effort into it that week. I was busy with other stuff. Luckily, when you are voted off, you get another chance to get back on the team, so when my opportunity came, I worked hard and got back on." He ended up winning the whole competition.

What I find fascinating is his explanatory style: how he explains what happens to him. We all have an explanatory style. Some are very hopeful and optimistic. Some are just the opposite. Some blame everyone and every thing around them. Positive psychology studies have identified that those people with a more realistic optimistic explanatory style tend to do better, be more resilient in the face of setbacks, and, in general, perform at higher levels.

Notice that Dylan didn't blame anyone other than himself, yet he also didn’t beat himself up. He took full responsibility. However, he didn't explain it as "The teachers are against me," "I'm stupid," or "It was too hard." He simply said, "I didn't put enough effort into it." This puts full control of his performance into his hands. His past failure doesn't determine the way he performs the next time out. And, look what he did: put the effort into it and out performed everyone.

How do you explain the setbacks that you encounter? Over the next week, jot down the phrases that you use to explain setbacks. In next week's column, I will write more about how to use that information.

Happy Holidays!

To Your Success,

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