One Way to Tell If A Relationship Is Unhealthy – And It Is Often Missed (#216)

One Way to Tell If A Relationship Is Unhealthy – And It Is Often Missed (#216)

Have you ever had a relationship where you sense something isn’t quite right, but you can’t put your finger on it, so you end up doubting yourself?

Have you ever had a relationship where you sense something isn't quite right, but you can’t put your finger on it, so you end up doubting yourself? If so, you are not alone. In this episode, I share a data point that you can use to evaluate if something might be out of balance in the relationship. And it’s so insidious and sneaky that it is easy to miss unless you are watching out for it.

Bobbi: Welcome to UnYielded. Thriving No Matter What. I’m your host, Bobbi Kahler. Years ago, I heard someone say that you are either the author of your own life or you are just a character in someone else’s story. You deserve more than that. You can write your story, your life, your way. Let’s get started.


It’s funny how sometimes we have to be reminded of lessons that we’ve already learned. And maybe it’s not quite a reminder. Maybe it’s more of a nuance or a flavor of the lesson that we’ve already learned. And I had that happen recently.


I had a relationship that for years, I’ve always kind of known in my gut that it wasn’t the healthiest, it was the type of relationship where I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, always fearing that I might do something that would upset this person, because it seemed like there was always something.


And almost always the transgressions were so minor that they would leave me thinking, are you looking for something to be upset about? And maybe you can relate. Maybe you’ve had those types of relationships. Hopefully it’s not just me.


Then an incident happened that really made me realize that this person was not extending to me the same grace and compassion that I extend to them. And I think that is a really bad imbalance.


Now, the incident was such that there was absolutely no way that I could miss it. I think that for years I didn’t really want to believe the truth of it, but finally it was unavoidable. Now, when I finally saw the imbalance of grace and compassion, at first it made me really sad, because it made me realize that the only way to succeed in the relationship was through perfection.


And that is both impossible and unhealthy for two reasons. Number one, it keeps you stuck. It keeps you in this mode of always trying to please. And since we are all human, perfection is not possible.


Here’s the important thing. If it takes perfection for someone to love you, that’s not love, that’s manipulation. And it may be time to move on.


And number two, it can distort your perception of yourself. If we fall into the trap of seeing ourselves through the eyes of someone who doesn’t have our best interest at heart and who can’t or maybe even won’t extend grace or compassion to us, we won’t see ourselves accurately. We won’t see our own kindness and our own goodness or our own heart.


Now that the dust is settled and I’ve had some time to process it all, there are a couple of takeaways that I want to share with you in case they’re helpful.


Number one, trust your inner knowing. I cannot repeat that enough. Trust your inner knowing. Your subconscious is picking up on signs and signals that your conscious mind isn’t even processing, but your gut and your heart knows the truth. Trust it.


Number two, look at the pattern over time, does the same thing tend to happen over and over again? Granted, the context might change a little bit, but at the root of it, it’s the same pattern being repeated. That is a big yellow flag.


And finally, number three. I had shared part of this with a friend, and later he sent me a text that is a great message for us all. It simply read, you know who you are, friend. When I saw that, I thought, yes, I do know who I am. Shame on me for kind of losing sight of that in this one area. I am a good person. My intent is to always build up and support others. And I do my very best to show up with love in everything that I do. And frankly, if someone who is supposed to be close to me doesn’t know that I’m loving and kind, then they really aren’t paying attention.


I’m sharing this today because relationships are such a determining factor in how much joy and happiness we have in our lives. Healthy relationships are some of the greatest gifts we can have. And because I’ve had to navigate some tough and unhealthy ones in my life, I get a lot of questions about relationships. So when something happens that leads me to a new insight, I want to share it with you in the hope that it will help you navigate your relationships. So I hope this insight provides, I don’t know, a little bit of value or insight into how you can move forward in some of your relationships. Hope it was helpful.


Thank you for tuning in, for listening, for sharing the podcast, and for subscribing. And if you haven’t done so already, make sure you hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another episode episode. I hope that you all have a fantastic week and that you continue to rise and thrive.

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